When I Don’t Even Want Me


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I remember a time when everything was going right with my life. Everything was good, I was happy, I was carefree. But the inevitable came, and everything started falling apart. All the things I held on to started crumbling down. And the question I thought I would never ask came right out of my mouth, “Lord, why me? I have been good to You, why me?

But I was not. I was not good to Him ever. I was just a girl who tried to gain the acceptance of everyone by trying to be good. And I thought God was pleased with that. I thought God wouldn’t want an imperfect person, and so I tried to clean myself up. But that would never please Him, not now or ever.

When everything I have and everyone I know seemingly left me, God stayed. During the times when I felt like I had no reason to go on, He held on to me tightly. Even when I thought I was unacceptable to the prying eyes of the world, God still accepted me. I found out that I had to lose the temporary things, the nothing’s, to realize that I have Everything, the only One I need.

God did not want my “burnt offerings” — good works and pretentious actions. My broken but contrite heart mattered more. Even when I was in a state of “I-wouldn’t-even-want-me”, God wanted me. He embraced my everything; even the tiny, broken pieces. Piece by piece He made me whole again. God took my brokenness aside, and made it beautiful.

I can’t say I have it all together now, but one thing is for sure: Even when I don’t get what I want, even if everything would be taken away from me, and even if there’s nothing left of me, as long as I have God, I wouldn’t want anything more. My heart will find ten thousand reasons for me to sing His praises everyday.

“Whatever may pass a
nd whatever lies before me,
let me be singing when the evening comes.”


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